Secrets of the Past
by money4jam
Summary: Kate comes face to face with her haunted past and turns to Mike for support. Mike and Kate become closer after this. Will their friendship go beyond? Rated T for events in Kate's past
1. Chapter 1

Ch. 1 – The Ever Knightly

Kate watched as the boat pitched with the rising waves that splashed and hammered the boat. She wondered yet again just to what level the Armidale class patrol ship could be pushed and still sail safely through the other side of a storm. They kept pushing it to the limits and anyone who was aware of this wondered that if one day their number would be up. But today was not to be that day.

"Sir, we have a vessel on the radar. It appears to be the right location based on the mayday call, correct size and all" called Nav from her station on the bridge of the Hammersly.

"Very Good Nav" responded the captain in a tense but efficient tone " Do we have them on EOD?"

"Sir," replied X "just focusing now. There seems to be a considerable group of passengers on the top deck" Kate focused on what was actually one of the strangest sights to be seen. A collection of middle aged women were waving frantically, cheering and wolf whistling at the approaching patrol boat. Anyone would think that the party they had been obviously in the middle of when the storm hit and the ensuing emergency revealed itself, was still continuing in full force. Kate was joined at the EOD by the other crew members currently on the bridge each musing on the strange sight.

"Sir, I just got off the radio with the captain" explained RO from the communications hub. "He has confirmed complete engine failure and steering has been compromised"

With an audible sigh as he watched the antics of their soon to be guests, the CO issued the order for a boarding party to assist with the rescue of the 12 people on board the _Ever Knightly _and then turned to the Ships PA .

"Hear there, this is the captain speaking. We will be taking the crew and passengers on board. Prepare the steerage for guests and catering team to accommodate for additional diners. We will be heading back to port as soon as the rescue is complete via the safest route through the storm."

Mike watched as all crew members seemed to carry out his orders like the well oiled team they had become. As CO, he was grateful once again for the efficiency and the professional way in which all members of the Hammersly conducted themselves at such times. Almost as if he had put the mocha on his team with such thoughts, he spotted his XO intently staring at the EOD, her face white as a ghost and frozen to the spot.

"X?" he queried.

He was stunned at the paled face of his executive officer as she turned to him and although he was sure he had imagined it, he thought he had seen tears welled in her eyes.

"Sir," she whispered in a darkened tone "Request permission to oversee the preparations of steerage with Buffer to lead the boarding party?"

"Its dangerous weather out there X. I need two senior officers managing the rescue" He hesitated when he saw the fear and trepidation spread across her face. He knew from experience that this vulnerability was something she hated to show and that in doing so, he understood the situation to be considerable and her request warranted. With an assertive nod he proposed a solution. "I will lead the second boarding party while you manage the preparations on the ship."

" X has the ship" he announced to the bridge personnel.

"XO has the ship "replied the XO with relief but still showing considerable stress levels. As he moved to prepare for the boarding party Mike leaned in and quietly but firmly commanded "We will talk about this later, Kate."

The use of her first name showed her that he was concerned about her and expected a full explanation whether it was a personal or professional reason. Kate stared back at the EOD and at the source of her obvious stress. She had a feeling that unless she was extremely lucky, the inevitable meeting with the CO over her behaviour was not going to be the most difficult moment she will experience on the boat as it headed back to port.


	2. Chapter 2

CH. 2

From her vantage point on the bridge, Kate McGregor observed as the two boarding parties conducted the rescue. She shuddered as it became obvious that the weather and sea were not even close to the most difficult aspect of the rescue. The behaviour of the intoxicated party goers over two ribs full of male sailors racing to their rescue was cringe worthy at best.

"All prepped in Steerage Ma'am" Nav had approached her to give her an update of the ship preparations but she was also distracted by the humorous antics of the women and the uncomfortable sailors who were trying to do their job. Nav suppressed a giggle as one of the ladies that looked to be the instigator of the revelry wrapped her arms around the CO almost throwing him off balance and over the side of the rib. However when she glanced at the X to share the joke, she saw her eyes closed as if blocking out the embarrassing situation and her shoulders hunched up in tensed apprehension.

"X, are you OK?" asked Nav concerned for her friend as well as her senior officer.

"I have seen this all my life" responded the X almost inaudibly. She seemed to break from her riviere and turned to Nav, almost as if she had just registered her presence.

"Ah Nav!..... How are the preparations going?"

Nav repeated her update that she had given just moments earlier only to notice the X once again seem to be in another place.

After 10 more minutes of similar unsettled and unfocused behaviour from her XO, Nav took the initiative and approached her.

"Ma'am, you look to need a break. You might take 10 minutes as the boarding parties get our guests settled. The CO is back on board and I can take the Bridge." She reached out her hand and placed it onto her roommates shoulder as she sense the X's hesitation

"Take it Kate. You will be needed soon enough with our additional guests and this storm." Kate turned to her friend and nodded gratefully as she moved quickly and silently left the bridge, forgetting the "Nav has the Ship' command that necessitates the change of responsibility.

"Nav has the Ship" stated the Nav as she stared after Kate becoming increasingly concerned. That was very unprofessional of her and very unlike the usually controlled, efficient X they all knew.


	3. Chapter 3

CH. 3

As Kate sought refuge in the cabin that she shared with Nikki, she could hear the noise as the ship's crew took steps to accommodate their guests but above all that she could hear the hilarity of the 8 ladies and of one in particular. Kate splashed water on her face and stared into the mirror. As so often happened when she was haunted by memories of the past, Kate no longer saw the confident, well adjusted lieutenant that was the executive officer of an Australian Warship. She saw a frightened, confused little girl who thought about as little of herself as was possible.

"Snap out of it Kate" she commanded.

There was a knock on the door and on her assent; the CO came into the cabin.

"Sir," exclaimed Kate as she straightened up readying herself for the remainder of the watch.

"You left the bridge X" he stated with a frown, the silent question of why implied. "I think it is time for that explanation Kate."

Kate took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

"I know one of the passengers of the _Ever Knightly_ sir" hesitating as she saw the immediate query of how in her CO eyes. "It is personal sir. Suffice to say the acquaintance is not one I wish to renew."

"Am I to know any more than that Kate?" he asked slightly frustrated at her private nature.

"Please Mike, I – I can't……." her voice broke as she tried to end the conversation.

Their conversation was interrupted by a heated discussion out in the corridor, which was an understatement at best. Both senior officers went to try to find the problem and settle it. There they saw two of the women arguing with Bomber and Buffer over why they couldn't explore the ship while the two crewmembers were trying to convince them to return to steerage. One of the ladies was the same one that had hugged the CO on the rib and was enjoying the moment of drama now. Kate was backing away as quietly as possible happy for once to let the CO sort out the problem. She was about to return to the bridge, assuming that might be the best place to be if avoiding the women was a priority when a voice stopped her in her tracks.

"Well, well, well if it isn't little Katie McGregor.' cried the voice down the corridor, loud enough to attract the attention of a fair proportion of the crew whose curiosity was suddenly peaked. Kate turned to face the voice and the two women stared back at her. One lady who was the owner of the voice had a look of surprise and delight while the second women's face (the lady who had previously been having such fun) was suddenly paled in horror and misery.

"Well, aren't you going to say hello Katie?" asked the happier of ladies "It's been… what? Nearly 14 years?"

Kate felt all eyes of the crew on her as she stood tall, trying to hide the discomfort that she was facing. Mike moved toward her almost as if to protect her from what he could see was an incredibly stressful moment for his XO but he was stopped in his motion by the next words from Kate's mouth.

"Hello Aunty Val" she said professionally. Glancing at the sullen woman who seemed almost to be hiding behind the other, Kate wryly stated, "Hello Mother."

The audible gasp from all in hearing was effective enough to spur Kate into action.

She raised her eyes to the CO in help. "Sir, I believe you wanted me on the bridge?" she questioned.

His nod was all the affirmation she needed and she quickly departed.

Everyone turned to the sullen woman whom Kate had called her Mother. She raised her eyes in familiar determination and simply stated.

"As you can see, my daughter and I are not the best of friends" upon which she returned to austere followed closely by Aunty Val leaving the gob smacked crew to wonder at the revelations they had witnessed.


	4. Chapter 4

Ch. 4

The intense activities on the bridge as they navigated through the storm provided Kate both distraction and refuge for the following 2 hours as she worked with Nav, RO and Swain to steer the Hammersly safely through the storm. With irony, Kate wondered why she couldn't do the same with her life.

Once the weather settled and with the ship heading safely back to port, Kate faced the reality that her watch was over and she could avoid going below no longer. Handing the ship over to Buffer for his watch, she avoided the curious and questioning look he gave her in the hope that he may be given some insight into the events earlier in the day. But to no avail.

Kate was about to head straight to the cabin but made a decision to get the moment she knew would be ordered of her later over with and headed instead to the CO's cabin. Mike was waiting for her. He knew her better than anyone and he had decided that he needed to be the friend she needed at this time rather than the CO inquiring after a subordinate. He greeted her with a smile.

"How are you Kate?" he asked gently. She gave him the look he knew well which basically translated to _Ask the bleedin' obvious why don't you?_.

"Where is she?"

"Back in her quarters" he replied, waiting for her to take the lead in the conversation. After an eternity she began the story she had held private for nearly 16 years.

"My mother is clearly a social woman who thinks that an Alcohol Free Day is laying off the heavy spirits and sticking to beer or wine. She was always very popular in town. At home she was a little less so. When she wasn't drunk to oblivion venting her violent rage on whoever crossed her path (usually me) she was acting as if I was her personal maid and gofer. Not the most common maternal relationship you would come across." she smiled wryly. She looked into the eyes of the CO and was comforted to find the eyes of an old friend in Mike, the eyes of someone she knew she could trust. And so she continued

"She drew her confidence from the men she dated and she needed _a lot_ of confidence building. My childhood male role models were brief, questionable and many. Some were nice, some were not so nice. Some were happy to have a young girl around, some not so. It was my life and I was trying to grow up amidst the confusion that was my mother's life. She seemed to resent me more with each passing year. I grew to understand that I could only rely on myself and she had no role to play in my life"

Mike listened intently to Kate's account of her childhood. He knew it had not been a bed of roses but certainly not this. He reached out and touched Kate's arm. "Kate I had no idea, I am so sorry"

She looked at him confused by his response before she realised that he had assumed she had reached the end of the story. She also realised that if she did stop her tale there and then, Mike would accept it as valid. But the gates had been opened and she knew that she could trust Mike with the full story. She slowly shook her head.

"I'm not finished yet Mike" she said sadly. With her eyes firmly focused on her hands in her lap, she continued the story.

"I was 14 when Mum met Lucas and at first he was comparably better then Mum's recent boyfriends. Slowly over 6 months, the relationship led its usual course. Mum's drinking usually bled them dry quicker than 6 months but Lucas did not seem to have anywhere else to be, so he stayed long after Mum had lost interest. She kicked him out of the bedroom." At this point Kate raised her eyes to Mikes and she saw the horrific conclusions he was drawing dawn on his face and she simply nodded.

"I …. I … I was…" Her strength faltered and Mike grabbed hold of both her hands and met her eyes.

"Kate you needn't go on. This must be incredibly difficult. I am so sorry.'

"Mike, I need to say it. For me. Can you hear it?"

"I am here Kate. Take your time?"

Kate kept a firm hold of Mike's hands and continued. "The first night, I wasn't even sure it had even happened. It was a nightmare and so I simply made it into the other nightmares that plagued my dreams. As self protection mechanism I guess. I remember him leering at me in the lounge room the next week and I thought it amazing that he seemed to know my nightmares – like he was reading my mind. It then began to happen regularly and there was no blocking it". The tears were flowing freely now. Kate had worked through much of this with her therapist and knew the details would not help in this retelling of her past, perhaps another time.

"The first time I told Mum she called me a liar and slapped me hard across the face. Sometimes I think the names she called me in that drunken rant left me with more scars than the abuse itself. I was left with no one to turn to. The second time I told her was worse. That was the last time I saw my mother until earlier today."

Mike sat in silence as he processed all that Kate had told him. Silent rage stormed within him at the events that tore Kate childhood from her.

"Why was the 2nd time the last time you spoke to her? Why was it worse then the other time?"

Kate looked up with steel resolve that impressed him given the recent revelation.

"I was pregnant."


	5. Chapter 5

CH 5.

Kate slowly became aware of Nav moving about the cabin and the smell of a steaming, freshly brewed coffee. She had slept surprisingly well but her body still had the exhausted tension carried from the previous day's events and she knew a dose of caffeine would be just the trick.

Rolling over Kate thankfully accepted the proffered cuppa from the Nav as she sat down on Kate's bed with a caring smile. Kate, of course was aware of the inner workings of the ships gossip channels to know Nav was aware of her mother being on board. She was also grateful for her tact in not pumping her for details so Kate met her halfway by beginning a conversation when she sat up.

"Have our guests had breakfast?"

To Nav's nod, she queried, "And my mother?"

"She did not feel well enough to join the others." Nav explained. Kate lay back on the pillow not at all surprised that her mother's hangover was still part of the cycle.

"Nothing has changed then" Kate smiled cynically

"Kate," Nav began hesitantly "I know you spoke to the boss last night for a long time, but if you need someone to talk to or …..whatever, please know I am here. Exempt from the ship's gossip channels of course"

"Thanks Nav. But you're right. I did speak with the CO and he understands enough to know that the sooner we get back to port and our lives are separated once again the better"

At this, Kate saw Nav flinch and she guessed correctly that their return to port had been delayed throughout the night. Before she had a chance to ask how, they were interrupted by the CO's voice over the ships intercom.

"XO and Nav to the bridge at the rush."

Having been briefed on the situation which was the capture of a FFV that had continued to elude the patrol boats of the region for the past few months, Kate was heading down to lead the boarding party. Unbeknownst to her, she was watched from afar by a reserved, curious woman whose eyes were haunted by the past. Past mistakes, past miseries and past pains.

All part of the past she shared with the officer stepping up to board the boat as it sped through the open waters. The older woman watched a determined officer take control of a highly volatile situation. She watched as the officer acted without hesitation, without doubt and with total authority. Once again the fragile older woman wondered at the resilience in her daughter and how it managed to centre itself at the core of her soul. She knew it had nothing to do with her.

As she observed the goings on, Louise reflected on her role in the devastating events that shaped Kate's life. She had spent 16 years rebuilding her self esteem that had seemed so hell bent on attaching itself to the lowest of men. The vile men who seemed so happy to join her on the path of self destruction she was on. It was a path that her ever growing and demanding teenage daughter refused to join her on. Louise remembered with sorrow the resentment she had felt when her daughter seemed to look down on her. 'Not that she didn't have a right' she mused.

After all this time, Louise still couldn't look at herself in the mirror knowing the way she reacted to her daughter's nightmare. Despite having rebuilt herself from that lowest of low and despite not attaching herself to a man since that fateful relationship, Louise still couldn't resolve the horror of the past and the effect it had had on her daughter. She sighed as she watched the final arrangements to assign a three sailor steaming partner on the FFV to follow the Hammersly back to base while the fishermen were secured in custody. As she watched the remaining boarding party get back on the rib and return to the boat, Louise once again made her way to her temporary quarters in a vain attempt to avoid Kate and make this situation the least stressful for her daughter as possible. However as she turned for a final glance at Kate in her adult role, she stared straight into the challenging eyes of her daughter raised to her as the rib sped past to its starboard rigging. After 16 years, she new the meaning behind the eyes and resigned herself to the conversation that was coming. It had been coming for 16 years.


	6. Chapter 6

Ch. 6 – Barriers to Happiness

Kate was intercepted on her way to talk to her mother by Aunty Val who anxiously brought Kate up to date about her mother's life choices in recent years. Her Aunty explained how it was those choices that had healed her own sister relationship with Kate's mother. She hoped that Kate might see her way to heal the mother - daughter relationship that was lost so long ago. Kate could not help but be cynical and wary as she went in search of her _supposedly renewed_ mother

Kate found her alone in her quarters having already ensured the other women were in the junior sailor's mess getting some lunch. She had tasked Nav and Spider with delaying them until she had had a chance to talk to her mother. She was surprised to hear of the different ways her mother had turned her life around and wanted to confirm these. While nothing could change the past, Kate had decided that at least an acknowledgement of her life now might be a positive step toward her own future healing.

Louise stood nervously as Kate entered the room and took a seat on the opposite bunk. Louise did the same on her own bunk. This was Kate's idea, so Louise sat and waited for her to begin.

"I talked to Aunty Val" Kate began and then continued with a cynical tone. "You're sober I hear?"

To her mothers nod, Kate queried about her mother's behaviour the day before.

"Hadn't touched a drop Kate. I was just playing to the crowd. It is something I have always been able to do. My absence this morning at breakfast which I can only assume you attributed to a hangover was my attempt to avoid you in order to make it easier for you.

Kate mulled this over. "And relationships?"

Louise stated simply "I am more concerned with a relationship with myself at the moment."

Kate dropped her eyes to her lap. "I am not really sure what to do or say here. I – I – I am glad you have made changes in your life and that you seem…. more in control. I am truly happy for you. I'm just not sure what that means for me or for what happened."

"It means nothing to what happened to you Kate. What happened was horrific and no present or future can change that for you or me. I am never going to change it nor can I change the role I played in it. I live with that knowledge everyday of my life." After a long pause, Louise continued " I know sorry doesn't begin to cut it…

"Damn right it doesn't cut it Mother." exclaimed Kate suddenly angry and cutting off her mother's apology. "I was 14 years old. I had no one and you turned your back on me. Have you any idea what that did to me?"

Kate took a deep breath to control the flowing tears "Look, I know it wasn't you that did those things to me and I know you had your own nightmares at the time. But I lost everything because of the choices you made and the actions you took. I lost my childhood, I lost my way and I lost my mother. It has been a long hard road back to who I am now. Seeing you again takes me straight back there. And I can't be there anymore." Kate took another deep breath to keep the control in her voice. "You're right. It can't be changed and both you and I have to live with it, but I chose to live with it in my past not my present. It shaped me, it made me but it does not consume me anymore."

Kate's tears were matched by Louise's as both women stared at the other for some sign of resolution. The tragedy of the present was that the past may never allow them to find real peace and closure.

Louise finally drew the inevitable conclusion to the meeting. "I understand Kate, I have no intention of being part of your life. I lost my daughter many years ago through my own inaction and that sorrow is with me everyday. I am just glad that you have triumphed over it and have become the incredible person you are now" She finished with a sad smile.

Kate saw the pain her mother was in. She recognised the struggle against the nightmare of the past and the living of the present. It was her own struggle. It was time to ensure that she was not a barrier to her mother's happiness as much as she needed to ensure her mother wasn't a barrier to her own.

She reached into her left pocket and pulled out her personal business card and handed it to her mother. "I **am** glad you are putting you're life back together, Mother. I wish you well and happiness. It seems that both of us deserve a least a little of that…..Stay in touch." Kate almost whispered the last part not even sure if she meant it or not. As Kate rose to leave, she felt her mother grab her left hand lightly and give it a gentle squeeze, neither one of them looking the other in the eye. Kate made for the door and was about to leave when her mother's question stopped her still.

"Kate, the pregnancy???"

Once again the tears fell but Kate refused to turn back to her mother. Her head dropped to chest and her eyes were on the floor.

"A miscarriage, mother. It seems no 14 year old should be pregnant. Nature's way of setting things right, don't you think?" and with that Kate quickly left the room and walked straight to her cabin, her bunk and the only sanctuary available to her on an Australian War ship.


	7. Chapter 7

Ch. 7 Building Bridges

As the ship was making final preparations into port and the team worked efficiently to make it happen, Kate was grateful for the time to reflect on the conversation with her mother. Deep down she knew that having her mother back in her life may very well be destructive but the little girl in her was still seeking that relationship she never got as a child, a caring mother-daughter relationship. Perhaps her sober, renewed mother might seek out the same with her. It wouldn't be easy, but perhaps it was worth it. Kate decided that if her mother did reach out and contact her she would pursue it, ever so slowly.

After closing up procedure were carried out, Kate was standing on the bridge deck watching as the rescued ladies were escorted down the gangplank behind the fishermen who were taken into custody. The ladies were taken to a maxi taxi. The group were suddenly glad to be off the boat and once again began to jovially persuade the crew to join them in the intended celebrations. Kate noticed her mother as part of the group once again having some fun. After being declined by the sailors, the women happily piled into the maxi taxi amongst hilarity and innuendo, although Kate noted her mother was a little more reserved perhaps because she was aware of her watching them.

Before stepping into the cab, Louise raised her eyes to Kate on the bridge deck. After holding her eyes for a few seconds, Louise smiled shyly and raised her hand in a small wave. Kate almost mirrored her mother's actions as the quiet farewell was witnessed by all, especially the CO who was standing next to her.

"Do I detect the building of bridges X?" he inquired admiring her even more for the possibility.

"Mmmn. Perhaps it is impossible to bridge the Grand Canyon" she replied as she watched her mother drive away "but maybe we could find a path down and back up again'

"Well done Kate" Mike replied with a smile. "You joining the crew for shore leave drinks?" he asked although he was fairly sure of the answer.

"I think a quiet evening for me sir." She raised her eyes to him as he nodded, understanding completely "A spicy Indian, a good wine and the company of a good friend… if you're interested Mike?"

Mike smiled, happy to play the role of a good friend. "Now there's an evening I can certainly agree to. I will bring the wine. How about I report to Navcom on my own and I will be around 1900hrs"

With that Kate stepped away, smiled and saluted. As Mike watched her walk away, he was increasingly aware of the impact their closeness was having on him and the feelings he held for her. She was a remarkable woman. Her resilience had always floored him but now above all else, her compassion and willingness to forgive was by far more impressive. Her strength gave a beauty to her far beyond the natural beauty that was held in her blond hair, brown eyes and athletic figure. Although he reflected with mirth that these certainly didn't hinder her overall appeal. Before Mike got carried away with any further musings, he caught himself with a stern warning. "Kate needs a friend right now, and that may be all she'll ever need from me. I, for one, am not going to let her down at a time when she needs me most"

* * *

Later that evening, Kate waited for Mike to arrive and her mind wandered to her CO, old lover and current very good friend. How does one man play so many roles in her life? She recalled her cynical attitude to her mother's reliance on men forming the basis of her self esteem and wondered if she in fact had built up the same reliance on Mike. She quickly put paid to this idea when she realised that Mike was a man she could trust more than anyone else in her life.

She trusted him with her life everyday. She trusted him with the secret of her past and she trusted him more that any other man she had taken to bed. If truth be known the love that she had run from all those years ago when her fear of reliance overtook her, was still there now stronger than ever. It had crept into their plutonic relationship just as much as it was present when they were lovers.

In fact when she was truly honest with herself, the denial that things were different this time around became pointless. She was just as much in love with him as before and while her personal issues had been further resolved in the last 5 years, the professional barriers were still present for them both. Kate shook herself out of all romantic thoughts knowing that Mike had only distant memories of the love they shared.

When she heard the doorbell, Kate took a deep breath and went to let him in.


	8. Chapter 8

Ch. 8

Kate greeted Mike with a warm smile and invited him in. Given Kate's recent revelations made the casual meal little awkward but it was soon resolved as they settled on the back deck with a glass of good wine, cheese and crackers. After a quiet dinner they relaxed on the couch. Kate and Mike began to companionably discuss the events of the recent tour and the different actions of the crew. Inevitably it led to the onboard guests.

"I always hate having civilians on board" began Mike and seeing Kate nod in agreement, he continued. "I can handle the criminals in lock up but with civilians it seems a whole other set of rules apply"

"Yes, well I'd be lying if these particular civilians didn't hit a particular nerve for me and peaked the interest of the ship's gossips" replied Kate cynically.

"Kate, the crew are not so simple minded to think that your obvious discomfort is something to gossip about. They all have too much respect for you, not to mention a lot of them being personal friends that care about you."

"Mmmm! ," pondered Kate considering Mikes point "That maybe so but I bet my long lost mother and I are the topic of the conversation right now at the pub" Mike chuckled in agreement.

"Do you want to talk about it Kate? I mean, I am here if you want…. That's all I am saying"

"Thanks Mike, I think I am all talked out. I had the conversation I needed to have with my mother and I have had countless conversations with my therapist"

To Mike's raised eyebrows, Kate simply smiled. "You don't honestly think that what happened to me can go without some sort of help do you?"

"I guess not. Well that's good. As long as you know I am here"

"Thanks that is wonderful to know." Kate looked into Mike's eyes and realised that the conversation was not quite finished. "Why do I sense a …but?" she asked him hesitantly.

"Well it's not a 'but', it's more of a question" he spoke straight to her, looked straight into her eyes and asked the most difficult thing of all, "What happened to the pregnancy, Kate?"

Mike heard Kate's sharp intake of breath and suddenly regretted the question. "I'm sorry Kate, I shouldn't have asked that, forget about it" he pleaded.

Kate stood up and walked toward the door. A smiling glance back at Mike sitting anxiously on the couchlet him know that there was a purpose to where she was going and he was to simply wait. Two minutes later Kate returned carrying a decorated wood chest the size of a shoe box with a golden lock. Kate sat down tentatively next to Mike before slowly handing him the box.

"Mum asked me the same question earlier today." She began looking him earnestly in the eyes. "I told her that I miscarried"

"Oh Kate I am sorry"

Kate smiled and opened the box. Inside were 3 collections of snapshots the first beginning with a much younger Kate with an increasingly present pregnant belly. In a number of photographs there was a couple aged about mid to late 30s often standing protectively around Kate. Mike noted the constant fear in the eyes of the younger Kate and he raised his eyes in question to the now wiser older version. He saw the memory of the fear but now mostly he saw determination and pride.

"When my mother threw me out, I went to the parents of my pen pal who lived in Perth. They had lost their daughter, my pen pal, in a car accident the year before. I had no where else to go. They took me in and helped me throughout the pregnancy. They were my saviours. They showed me a love, care and compassion that I had never known. They got me talking about what happened with a councillor and started me on the path back to some form of normality. When it came time to begin the adoption process for the baby, it became apparent that Bob and Ann were growing more attached to the baby. It seemed natural to have them as the parents for the baby and so we started the adoption process naming them as the baby's parents."

Mike looked at the next section of photographs which were of Kate next to the couple who were holding a newborn baby wrapped in a pink blanket. Bob and Ann looked overwhelmed with joy and renewed love for the bundle they had in their arms. Kate looked confused and somewhat relieved.

Kate continued as Mike looked through the second group of photos.

"Not long after the birth I knew it was necessary for me to move on. I contacted my Aunty Val who agreed to me boarding with her for the rest of my high school. She had lost all contact with my mother at that time as a result of the lifestyle mother was leading. Aunty Val never knew where I had been over the 7 months I was AWOL and she never asked. Sometimes I think she knew but she never said it. Aunty Val told me my mother had eventually kicked Lucas out and he had been killed in a drink driving accident. I remember feeling absolutely nothing when she told me." Kate shrugged and moved on "I had two more years of school and then I applied for ADFA."

As Kate saw Mike reach for the third section of photographs and begin to flick through them, she continued. "Bob and Ann continued to send me photographs of Hannah, that's what they called her. Two or three times a year I get updates and photographs of their family. I used to send updates back to give Hannah a connection to her birth but …. Not any more" Kate's voice trailed off.

Mike looked at the photographs and saw the young girl named Hannah as she grew from a babe in arms of Bob and Ann to a toddler with blonde curls, a determined preschooler and then the beginnings of primary school and beyond. Mike's disbelief continued to grow as he saw the growing resemblance between little Hannah and the photos of the 14 year old Kate. This became even more apparent when Hannah's age began to approach Kate's at the time. He glanced up at Kate and noticed she was just as involved in looking at the photos as he was. She felt his eyes on her, looked up and smiled "I don't get these out very often".

"She looks exactly like you Kate." Mike exclaimed in disbelief.

"I know" Kate agreed wryly

"And she is now what…..16 years old?"

"Almost. Nearly 2 years older than I was. It seems a lifetime ago. I cannot tell you how lucky I was to have Bob and Ann with me during that time. When they adopted Hannah and agreed to keeping in contact with them, it really was a heaven send.

"Have you spoken to them since or Hannah?"

Kate shook her head vehemently. "That's not something I want and I am fairly sure it's the last thing Hannah would want. I have just been happy watching her grow up healthy, happy, safe and secure. It was the least I could give her. Besides I certainly think now would be particularly difficult to deal with her"

"Why?" Mike questioned

Kate hesitated and then continued. "I can only imagine the questions that she must have by now. The worst of which being who her father is. Bob and Ann never really asked but they obviously assumed correctly and got me the therapy I needed. I begged them in the adoption agreement that while they could inform Hannah of who I was, to never let her know the story behind how I came to be pregnant. It's not something anyone should really have to deal with."

Mike nodded as he flicked through the final photographs. Shaking his head slowly as he placed them back into the box in the careful arrangement he found them. He found a collection of letters tied together with a silver ribbon at the back but knew it was neither the time nor his place to read them. He closed the lid and handed the box back to Kate who placed it onto her lap.

Mike couldn't believe that a whole life can be contained into one box. Kate's connection to her past was safely treasured in this trove of photos and letters. He looked admiringly at the woman opposite him. Hardly knowing what to say.


	9. Chapter 9

"Kate I…" Mike hardly knew where to begin or even whether he should. "This is incredible Kate. I mean I ..."

Kate put her hand up to his lips to stop him from going on. "It is life Mike. It** was** what it was, and it **is** what it is." She hesitated, took a deep breath and pulled her hand back to the box before going on. "I – I… I am glad I told you, I just don't want it to be a major part of my life now….. Or our life" she whispered the last part after a slight pause.

Mike and Kate's eyes locked then. He reached out and cupped her cheek in his right hand. Kate leaned slightly into it, relishing in the comfort and closeness they shared. A single tear eased its way from her eyes and Mike wiped it way with his thumb, smiling as he did so.

"Our life Kate?" he asked with a smile, "Does that mean something beyond this, beyond friendship?"

Kate stood and walked to the edge of the balcony to take in the fresh sea air. She loved the smell of the sea and the ocean breeze that seemed to breathe life into her. She turned to look at Mike, confusion and frustration etched into her face.

"God Mike, I don't know, I am so confused. I trust you more than anyone else in the world. It nearly killed me when you were with Ursula Morell. And last year…. Last year nothing seemed quite right with Jim."

Kate's tears started to flow freely now as she stumbled through her confusion. Mike stood to his feet and gently approached her as the rush of words continued.

"We're dammed if we do and we're dammed if we don't. The Navy that was there before is still there now except now it's even worse with us being on the same boat." Mike took a final step towards Kate and wrapped her in his arms while she buried herself into his strong chest that smelled so strong of the sea she loved. Or perhaps the sea smelt of the man she loved.

"I know Kate, I know" Mike comforted her until her energy was spent. When she broke away he held onto her shoulders and looked deeply into her eyes. "Our friendship is the most important thing to me but I spend everyday wondering if we should ever take it further. But the thing is Kate, the very thing that would distract us in our jobs if we were together is already there and we still work very well together. Our relationship moved beyond flirting and silly games long ago. We have something a lot more special both professionally and personally" He put his hand beneath her chin and tilted her face towards him. Mike knew they were heading for some rough waters but it was a journey he was willing to take with this strong beautiful woman who looked at him now with such trust and love. It was a journey he was not willing to make 7 years ago but couldn't imagine not taking it now.

Kate's mind was racing. Mike felt the same. He was willing to risk the same. Kate knew deep down she had been on an emotional ride over the last few days and it wasn't the best emotional decision to move on this now but she also felt that the courage she had in sharing her past with Mike may not stay with her to pursue this at another time. It was time to take a risk and believe in the relationship she shared with Mike being stronger than the bureaucracy of the Navy or the pain of her past.

They were barely centimetres away now. Mike took one, last earnest look at Kate and saw a small smile cross her lips. It was the signal he needed as he gently kissed her. Kate responded almost immediately reaching a hand behind his neck pulling him closer to her. Mike wrapped his arm around her waist while his other hand reached into her hair. They became a little more passionate in their kissing and suddenly gasps of breath were breaking into the initial gentleness of the moment.

When Kate and Mike finally broke away, they looked into each other eyes again both of them smiling with contentment and relief. Finally they had taken the step that had pained them so much to avoid.

"Well, I guess that would replace your mother as the current hot gossip on the ship" joked Mike.

"Oh dear, Oh dear" Kate said as she grabbed Mike hand and led him back to the couch "What are we going to do about this?"

"Well a little more of that wouldn't go astray"

"I'm serious Mike." Kate answered him with a smile and a squeeze of his hand when he looked suddenly concerned she'd back away. "If we are going to make this work we have to be careful about it, take our time and think our options through"

Mike leaned in and embraced her in another quick but passionate kiss. "I agree. But I know now that you are most certainly worth it"

Kate leaned into Mike's chest as they lay back on the couch and both thought about the consequences of their actions.

"3 months" stated Kate after 5 minutes of contented thought

"3 months?" asked Mike curiously.

"We date, and I mean only date, for 3 months and see how that works with us working on the boat. If we have kept if off the Hammersly so far, we need to prove we can keep it professional at this level before we take it to the next." Kate looked into Mike's eyes nervously as he processed her plan.

"Mmmn, a test run. Well it's not going to be easy but as I said before you and we are definitely worth it" Mike said after a while. "Now, just to clarify the 'only dating' rule. I mean you don't just mean "peck on the cheek" dating do you?"

"We are not teenagers Mike." Kate smiled. With both hands holding his face Kate leaned in to give him a passionate kiss which he responded to almost immediately, each of their hands exploring and embracing the other.

When they broke apart to look into each eyes once more, Mike looked Kate cheekily in the eye. "It's going to be a long 3 months"

They both smiled. Mike embraced Kate into his strong arms and she relaxed in the arms of the man she loved and trusted more than any other person. She was finally where she belonged.

FINE

**Well thats all for this story. I do have a sequal in mind. Not sure if I will have time......... anyone keen?**


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